Chronic Over-Functioning: It’s Time to Retire Your Badge of "Usefulness"

All the over-functioners in the back, raise your hand. Listen up. This is for you!

I was a textbook over-functioner. That is, until I hit a breaking point in my early twenties, after getting engaged to my now husband.

As fast as the sparkling ring slid onto my finger, I took on the full duties of “mom,” to his two year old child, from a previous marriage.

I’d rush out from my corporate job each night and race to the daycare to pick up my fiancé’s son, before it closed. At the time, I didn’t even know how to put in a car seat. No one bothered to show me how, and I was too ashamed to ask.

Some nights it would take upwards of twenty minutes of me twisted up in belts, buckles, and straps before we could pull out of the daycare driveway. It was embarrassing to say the least. But I just kept telling myself, “I’ve got this!”

Most nights, after the harrowing battle with the car seat, I would drive my fiance’s son back to his house, feed him dinner, and entertain him until his dad returned from work (often not until 6:30pm or later). I don’t remember when I ate dinner, or if I even ate it at all, during our three-month long engagement. I recall once making canned soup, and another time instant oatmeal, at 8pm, and calling that “dinner.” It was not pretty folks.

I repeated the “I’ve got this” mantra to myself, as I sat in the pediatrician’s office with my soon-to-be step-son, feeling like an imposter. Clueless as to what this child’s medical history was, or what a parent was “supposed” to say and ask at an annual well-ness visit. I tried to quell my insecurity by reassuring myself, “there isn't anyone else who can do this, so I’m going to have to be good enough.”

No one had explicitly asked me to be a superhero fiancé. But with the zeal of a Baptist evangelist, I believed this was my “duty.” This was the “entrance ticket” to admittance into this preformed family. As far as I was concerned, over-functioning was required in order to be loved, accepted, and worthy of joining their crew of two.

“Isn’t usefulness a virtue?” I thought. And so that became my second full-time job: proving, in as many ways I could, my “usefulness” to my family-to-be.

But let me tell you, attempting day in and day out, to be “useful” to others, is a sure fire way to crash and burn. It makes my stomach churn to admit this, but in that period of my life, I put what I thought others wanted from me, before what my own body needed from me.

And as it often goes, it wasn’t long before my body became less and less tolerant of the ways in which I denied, dismissed, and ignored it’s needs, in an attempt to keep the people around me “happy.” They were allowed to be happy, but I wasn’t. I was responsible for creating happiness for them, but to do so for myself felt too risky.

As Ellen Boeder, MA, LPC, put it in a recent interview, I felt I had to, “Either take care of myself and abandon the relationship, or abandon myself in service of connection.”

I chose the latter, because I was terrified that, if I listened to my own inner-voice, and honored the actions it was asking of me– to slow down, step back, and tend to my own well being first– I would let everyone down. And even the potential of disappointing others was unbearable to me.

However, soon enough, my body’s cry for help became so loud, ignoring it was no longer an option.

Time for real talk. The consequences of letting someone else down, by honoring the direction your body is guiding you, are far less severe than when you make self-compromising choices in order to evade potentially difficult conversations.

Disconnection from your body and it’s wisdom, even if you feel it’s for the noblest of causes, will catch up with you. Every. Time.

At the end of the day, when we live in a way that disregards the body’s needs, nobody wins.

Seeking to keep anyone “comfortable,” at the cost of your own physical, mental, and emotional well being has devastating ramifications.

You might find that you stop sleeping soundly through the night.

“Out of the blue” you may notice severe digestive complications, or develop strange skin conditions.

It’s not uncommon to also experience resentment, bitterness, and constant overwhelm when you’re in a habit of self-compromise. The symptoms of over-functioning come in all shapes and sizes, and shouldn’t be overlooked.

Additionally, by choosing to tolerate inner-upset (your body’s breakdown) over outer-upset (possibly not meeting the expectations of others) you're conveying a clear message to those around you about how quickly you’re willing to disregard your own safety in order to not “inconvenience” them.

In the wise words of Terri Cole, MSW, LCSW, and Best Selling author of the book Boundary Boss… “You’re in charge of writing the instruction manual for you. That manual gets “read” by everyone you encounter.”

When you collapse on your own truth, for fear of external opposition, you’re teaching the people in your life exactly how important you believe your own welfare is. You’re sending a clear message to the world that it’s “okay” to disregard your needs, values, and limits. And if the stakes feel high enough (say potentially losing a partner), you’ll desert yourself in favor of others' needs, wants, and desires.

But the path to an empowered life, begins with self-trust, and taking radical responsibility for living honestly with yourself. Your very happiness depends on it.

“Happiness is when I don’t have to lie to myself,” (unknown author).

It’s a recipe for dysfunctional relationships, codependency, anxiety, depression, and physical health collapse, when we deny ourselves the care our body is asking for. The most unhappy people are the ones who have deserted themselves in an attempt to please others. Happiness can’t coexist with self-betrayal.

When the heat gets turned up, this is your opportunity to solidify your commitment to self-loyalty. As writer and author of The Happier Approach…Nancy Jane Smith, LPC, says, “Self-loyalty reminds you that you will be okay because your relationship with yourself is the only one you will be with forever.”

When you practice showing up for yourself first, honoring your limits, energy levels, and living truthfully you’re declaring to your body that you’ve “got its back.”

If you’re not loyal to yourself, how can you expect anyone else to honor your “yes” and “no?” Remember, you set the standard for what treatment of you is and isn’t acceptable by others. And if you’re not communicating your expectations directly, how you treat you, will speak for you.

Today, I’m no longer waiting for permission from the outside, to attend to my body’s needs, or act on my intuition if I’m getting a clear message to reorganize the structure or agreements of a relationship, to ask for more support, or set additional boundaries around my availability.

It’s my responsibility, first and foremost, to honor what is important to me. My body’s needs don’t cease to exist or be of value, in the presence of pressure to abandon them.

It’s been a long messy road to get here, one with plenty of struggle, pain, and mental health breakdown. But the road back to myself has been one of the most critical I’ve traveled.

As a result of breaking up with over-functioning, my relationships are far healthier, my chronic illnesses have resolved, I sleep better, haven’t had a panic attack in over 3 years, and I’ve been able to build a business I’m passionate about, that lights my soul on fire.

Who knew, there is more to life than being, “useful!”

Do I still revert back to my over-functioning ways from time to time? Absolutely! But, I’m more aware now of when I’m compulsively accommodating everyone else, at the expense of what my own body needs.

So now I ask you, are you refusing to delegate, voice your limits, and automatically obliging every request of you? Whatever your answer, in no way do I judge you. I get it one hundred percent. But please know, there is another way.

You don’t have to choose between living in integrity with yourself, and having fulfilling, secure, and meaningful relationships with others. In fact, our relationship with the world outside can only be as healthy as our relationship with ourselves on the inside.

Additionally, the path back to self-integrity, doesn't have to be complicated. When I notice bitterness lurking in the shadows, it’s my alarm to examine where I have said “yes” to tasks and requests from a place of trying to prove I’m worthy of another’s love. I take a brief pause from whatever it is I’m doing (usually passively aggressively cleaning the kitchen, don’t judge), and take a walk, without my phone.

I “unplug,” and make myself unavailable, until I’ve reconnected to how I’m feeling.

Upon returning from my walk, I might do a short yoga routine, or spend a few minutes putting my feelings to paper, in my journal, and letting my emotions flow unhindered.

Then, my inner guidance often directs me to have a conversation with someone close to me, to communicate how I’m feeling and advocate for what I need to feel more supported in the relationship.

As scary as it might seem, a truthful dialogue with others, about how you are experiencing the relationship, is far more kind than reverting to exaggerated gestures of frustration and hoping they “get the hint” (think slamming the dryer door closed as loud as possible to make the point, I’m not the only one who can start a dyer you know?).

In my own life, I’ve learned that compromising my own wellbeing to maintain the status quo of a relationship or situation, leads to burnout, disillusionment, disconnection, and is very isolating.

Expressing and honoring my truth, speaking freely about where my boundaries are, what I have and don’t have capacity for, and asking for the support I desire leads to much more satisfying experiences. It makes way for more freedom and joy in every area of life. I feel more loved and am able to love bigger, as a result.

Xoxox

Erika