Doubting if Total Healing is in the Cards for You? READ THIS!

“I am realistic – I expect miracles.”

~Dr. Wayne Dyer 

I doubted I could ever be free from my eating disorder. Really truly, FREE. At the age of fifteen, drowning in self-hatred, shame, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness I would ask every eating disorder “survivor” I knew, “is it realistic to think I could actually heal from this for good? Is full recovery possible?” Not every person I asked could give me a straight answer, but some dared to say, “yes, full healing can happen.” 

What healing miracle are you hoping is possible for you? In what area of your life are you desperate for evidence that there is a life beyond the everyday struggle? Do you feel uncertain as to if there’ s ”light at the end of the tunnel” for your financial crisis, physical diagnosis, mental health challenges, unhealthy relationship, or dead-end job? Do you believe more in your fear of things not ever improving, than you do in your vision of the future where you’re free? 

In my own experience with an eating disorder, after a decade of struggling, it became so familiar and comfortable for me to identify as someone who has a “complicated” relationship with my body, food, and exercise that I lost a vision for how GOOD life could be without those things. I stopped dreaming about the day where I wouldn’t look in the mirror and think “you’re not pretty enough.” Or where I wouldn’t feel the need to stay behind from gatherings with friends if I had a big acne breakout, as I had done in the past due to overwhelming feelings of shame and embarrassment. I lost hope for a day where I would feel completely at ease about sliding into my mornings gently, with yoga, rather than a high intensity HIT class. 

I thought my disordered eating patterns, dysfunctional relationship with my body, and self-loathing were just a part of my personality now. In my mind, there was me “pre-eating disorder,” and me with an eating disorder. Maybe this was the new version of me that was here to stay? However, deep down, there was a part of me that didn't want to accept this as the truth. A part of me that longed for the “joyful, playful, fearless, and adventure seeking, Erika,” to return. 

But I felt trapped by my own disbelief. I doubted that the earlier iteration of myself was still accessible. Do you remember your life before your sickness, money crisis, broken relationships, and the closed career door? Who were you prior to paralyzing disappointment, trauma, and pain? 

For many of us, we've become so used to this new heavily burdened self, that we’ve lost touch with our TRUE self. Somewhere along the way we were told that life is “hard, full of pain, heartbreak, suffering, and loss,” and we believed it. We didn’t come into the world assuming these things, they were taught to us. No child is born distrusting or hating their body, or even believing it’s broken. These ideas are learned. Which is really good news. Because if they could be learned, they can also be UNLEARNED. 

Being set free for good from that which is keeping you stuck, is a process of unlearning and remembering. Who were you before you adopted the beliefs- about your body, your intelligence, your purpose, your potential, your ambitions, your dreams- that are now holding you back from the life you long for? What did the “little you” believe about themself that you have long since rejected?

I used to believe that I was strong, fast, funny, creative, and daring. Recovery, of any variety, can only happen to the extent that you are willing to radically remember and re-embody your true essence. I had to find my way back to trusting in the child who was certain that anything was possible, being happy was a good thing, and that I had something remarkable to share with the world.

  As a young girl, I imagined I was a successful business woman with a huge house, several kids, and a handsome husband. I would spend hours playing make-believe as a real estate agent and interior decorator. My free time was spent designing elaborate color boards and creating elegant rooms using an interior design computer software. It felt magical and REAL! There were no limits, nay-sayers, or doubts. My “customers” loved their finished rooms, and I was so happy. 

When the disordered eating began, a vibrational shift occurred for me too. I decided it wasn’t safe to play and be happy anymore. Happiness was too vulnerable. My caregivers weren’t happy, and the more I paid attention to their energy, the further I drifted from my innately imaginative and lighthearted nature. I began to move through the world on high-alert, always waiting for something to go “wrong-” to be hurt, sad, and rejected. This is what I call the great “un-awakening.” What you before believed was simply the way the world worked- dreams come true, the sky’s the limit for what you can become and create, and there are endless opportunities for fun- became fantastical, and out of touch with reality.  

In a strange way, it felt more “grounded” to believe that marriage is hard, money is scarce, and my dream job, home, car, and family were unrealistic. At this time, I learned how to make my way through the world enveloped by anxiety, and unknowingly kept out the very things that I had desired as a child. The disordered eating, and turning against my own body, was simply another way of separating myself from the supposed “dangers” of simple pleasures, joy, and BIG dreams. The messaging around me was, “don’t dream too big, don’t have lofty goals, and don’t be impractical about what you can achieve, or you're going to be disappointed. Because life doesn’t work out how you want it to.” 

The journey out of my disordered eating and into complete recovery wasn’t exclusively about my relationship with food (however food was a source of joy as a child, so a component of healing involved returning to my love of experimenting in the kitchen and creating meals I enjoyed eating). It was also about a reawakening to the truth of how the world was designed. A return to faith in limitless potential, abundant resources to achieve my dreams, and in my body as friend and guide. Healing involves a restoration of trust- in yourself and your desires- and finding confidence again in the belief that you are supported and loved (that you belong and the real you is wanted and needed). 

Let’s now return for a moment to where we started this conversation, and the question about whether or not your current life struggle could ever completely dissolve and your life move forward unhindered by it. Instead of answering this question for you, I invite you to consider a different question altogether.

“Could this reality I’m believing- that life is going to be one pain after another, and some things I can’t ever be free from- actually be the illusion?” 

This idea that you’re going to have to “deal with” this issue (insert your pain point) for the rest of your life, could it be the very thing holding you back from your breakthrough? I’m going to shoot straight with you, your belief in a hopeless reality perpetuates its existence. The way to your freedom, the way to your total transformation, begins with a shift in belief. A recognition of where you have departed from your own power to create and experience everything your heart desires. To heal you must return to the child you who didn’t believe in limitations, lack, and scarcity. The you who accepted miracles as reality, easily. 

So how do you access this intelligent little one within? Try this exercise! Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything you remember about them. What they felt when they were playing and having fun, who they wanted to become, where they wanted to live, what made them feel like they could “FLY,” what family they believed they would have when they “grew up.” Then jot down a phrase or two affirming these dreams and desires ARE 100% possible for you, still. 

For example: Little me, believed I would have a successful business, beautiful home to enjoy entertaining in, and lots of opportunities for adventure and play with those I loved and who loved me. 

An affirmation of the above beliefs could look something like this:

I was made to run a successful business. It’s good to enjoy abundance, have nice possessions, do things for the pure delight of it, and share my wealth with others. Wealth isn’t bad. Wealth can be fun and bring people together in a way that creates more joy. 

Let your affirmations and the remembrance of who you were before you believed so completely in suffering, become a mediation. Put them on sticky notes and post them around your house. Set reminders on your phone. Record yourself saying them aloud and listen back to them frequently. Begin to cultivate belief again in the unburdened version of you. It’s still there, waiting for you to awaken out of the darkness of fear. 

The way out of your suffering starts with giving up allegiance to struggle being the “way life is.” You didn’t always believe that, and regardless of where you find yourself in this moment, it's not too late to return to what you had the wisdom to see as a little one- life is magical, full of miracles, teeming with beauty and abundance, and dreams come TRUE.

Xoxox

Erika