Three Signs You're Limiting Love In Your Life, and What to Do About It
Love is a powerful energy. The most powerful. And for most of my life, I’ve put a lid on how much of it I’m allowed to enjoy. Until it almost cost me my relationship.
As relationships often have a way of doing, mine has been a relentless miner, bringing forth from the earth, slivers of “transformation gold” (parts of me that have been waiting a long time to receive healing attention).
Mark Groves, relationship expert and podcast host says, “sometimes the wounds we receive in relationship, can only be healed in relationship.”
In my experience, this has been true. And particularly, when it comes to expanding my capacity to hold space for as much love as the Universe sends my way.
But before we dive deeper into that, let me give you some history.
It’s not easy to admit, that the first couple years of my marriage, I questioned if it was for me.
If I had made a massive mistake in thinking I was “marriage material.”
While the photo at the top of this post is beautiful, it’s only fair that you know, at the time, I didn’t know if my relationship was going to make it.
For a couple months in 2021, I remember arriving at weekend after weekend, having long talks with my husband, about if we should or shouldn’t keep trying to make this “work.”
These conversations were gut wrenching, and went in circles. Nothing had gone drastically wrong, but I was unhappy, disillusioned, and disappointed.
Step-mom life was far harder than I anticipated, and I found myself paralyzed when it came to cultivating emotional closeness with my husband.
Before getting married, I had thought I’d love having an adoring spouse, who complimented me frequently, and would leave love notes for me on occasion.
But it didn’t feel wonderful.
I didn’t feel “fortunate” to have married a man who I knew loved me unconditionally (and still does).
I felt detached. As if there was some wall between me and actually feeling the love I was being offered on a daily basis.
This felt familiar to me, for relationships to be hard, and uncertain. To struggle and question if I was where I was meant to be.
My concept of love included a lot of negative feelings. Maybe even more unpleasant feelings than positive ones.
I couldn’t digest the idea that, even if challenges existed in my relationship, love didn’t have to cease.
I didn’t know how to stay open to a love that could withstand adversity, let alone transcend it.
My box for love wasn’t a very happy place. The walls were closing in on me, and I needed a new paradigm for love, or the whole thing was going to collapse.
After all, you can only go so long in a relationship, where week after week, you’re having the “are we going to make it,” conversation, before the very question blows the whole thing up.
It was time to explore beyond the surface and search for anything in me, that was resisting us “making it.”
This is an exploration I’ve been on for the past year. And as a result, I’ve come to realize a big player in why I was experiencing my relationship, and the love I was receiving, as painful, anxiety inducing, and even threatening, rather than comforting, reassuring, and grounding:
I was hitting my “love ceiling.”
In his book, The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks calls this the, “Upper Limit Problem." The Upper Limit Problem is when we hit our limit of positive flow and feelings, and out of fear, false beliefs, and self-protection bring ourselves back down to the degree of love, success, or abundance that feels familiar.
So how do you know if you’re hitting your “love ceiling?” Here are some symptoms to be aware of, and consider how they might be showing up in your life.
1. Shrinking back from positive attention
In my own experience, this behavior was born from a belief that I was unworthy of adoration or praise.
For most of my life, I’ve possessed a deep fear that I’m not enough, flawed, and defective (one of the false beliefs that Gay Hendricks mentions in, The Big Leap, that keeps us from breaking through our “Upper Limit”).
This belief, really began when my mental and physical health unraveled, as a teen. I felt “other” from my peers, who seemed to be worried only about boy bands, the latest chick flick, and having as much fun as possible.
I was worried about getting to multiple doctor appointments each week and following my food plan from the nutritionist, so I could look “normal” again. All the while trying to hide, to the outside world, the chaos that was happening in my home.
Navigating an eating disorder, and being severely underweight, created an illusion of separation between myself and the other girls my age. Although with the understating I have now, no doubt many of my friends were also struggling with body image issues in silence. But it wasn’t something openly talked about back then, as it is today.
This sense of isolation, and the desire to get answers as to “what was wrong with me,” drove me to the world of personal development, and psychology. Neither of which was of high interest to my friends, at the time.
Learning more about how my mind worked, and how to heal and transform it, felt exhilarating, and filled me with hope.
I was perfectly content to stay home and read non-fiction books on emotional healing, and much preferred it to attending another Friday night sleepover.
I felt torn between trying to be a “normal” teenager, and being myself.
“How does this connect to feeling allergic to positive attention and repelling love,” you’re probably wondering.
It has a lot to do with it.
You see, because of my insecurity, I was constantly worried that everyone thought I was a “freak.” And even if someone did compliment me or offer a kind word of affirmation, I’d assume they were forcing it.
That it simply couldn’t be true because I was “weird,” and deep down people were really “worried” about me, not inspired by me.
I was afraid they could see right through me, and would take their praise back, the moment they saw how insecure, anxious, and fearful I was.
My ability to receive positive attention was capped by the degree of self-love and self-compassion I extended to myself. I felt something was terribly wrong with me, and therefore, simply couldn't accept if anyone suggested otherwise.
While my life looks vastly different now, and I’ve fully embraced my love for personal transformation, and strive to live out my call to share this work with the world everyday, sometimes the belief that I’m “separate” and therefore “unlovable,” still shows up in my body. Especially when praise or compliments come my way.
This is a symptom that I’m hitting a “love-ceiling.” A clue that I’ve come to my limit of how much good others can see in me, based on how much good I’m able to see in me.
2. The words, “I love you,” make you uncomfortable (both to give and receive)
This came up for me, shortly after getting married, and it was both perplexing and disturbing.
I felt “wrong” for not enjoying saying, “l love you,” to my partner, and for cringing every time he’d say it to me. I wondered,
”What’s wrong with me? What wife doesn’t like being told, ‘I love you,’ multiple times a day, by her husband?”
But self-judgment can’t take you very far, if you want to better understand a feeling or reaction, and ultimately move beyond it.
My response to, “I love you,” didn’t have to mean anything was wrong with me, but rather that there was a story to explore, around these words, that I was carrying with me, from earlier in life.
When I looked deeper, I discovered this phrase was indeed a loaded one for me, growing up. The words were tossed around often, but accompanied by confusing actions (or inaction).
Sometimes the words, “I love you,” were spoken by those who showed little investment in my emotional well-being.
The impact this had on me makes sense, when you consider Attachment Theory, and how its entire premise is that children need emotional support and nurture as much as food, in order to feel safe and secure.
Hearing, “I love you” isn’t enough. Children need to know, and see, that the adults in their life care about their emotional experience.
With one of my caregivers, “I love you,” wasn’t followed up with any display of investment in nurturing my emotional needs, and therefore, overtime, these words became flat. My body distrusted them, especially coming from men.
This new awareness of my story with, “I love you,” brought so much clarity to my present experience, in my partnership.
Of course I’d feel a barrage of questions come to the surface when my husband would innocently say, “I love you.”
My mind wanted to know more.
I wanted him to prove his love with actions.
I needed to see that the words were more than a way to “appease” me, without any intention of investing emotionally, in the relationship.
Getting clear on my narrative around the declaration, “I love you,” and why I’ve felt so uncomfortable with these words in my adult life, has been critical in helping me break through my “love ceiling.”
Have you found yourself recoiling at hearing or speaking, “I love you?” If so, it could be a sign you have a story that needs to be explored, in order to welcome more love into your life.
3. Physical displays of love, and the invitation to enjoy feeling the goodness of a moment of connection with another, make you want to run
This symptom is about the somatic, body experience, of feeling the energy of love.
In my own process of breaking through my “love ceiling,” I’ve realized my container for holding the physical sensations of love, in my body, was very small.
Something as seemingly non-threatening as my husband coming into the kitchen to give me a hug and kiss, in the morning, would send my nervous system into “high alert.”
My impulse in these moments, was to immediately pull away. It felt primal.
I was terrified of getting carried away by a feeling of bliss, and potentially missing an important “danger” signal, as a result.
When you and I are in “fight/flight” mode, all of our senses are heightened. Our eyes narrow, and are constantly scanning the environment for threats.
Stopping for a long embrace, with my lover, when living in such a nervous system state, sent my body into a panic, and I was convinced something terrible would happen if I took a break from my “watch post.”
You see pleasure, passion, bliss, and ecstasy collapse time. And if you’ve spent your whole life carefully calculating every situation, and trying to control and predict exactly how and when things will happen, these positive feelings are likely to be difficult to surrender to.
For so long I resisted the expressions of love that require a relaxation into the present moment- a disarming.
So I ask you, does someone's big love expression and invitation to enjoy feeling the goodness of the present moment, make you want to “jump ship?”
Do you try to keep love in a little box, where you’ve thoroughly prepared and planned for all the possible outcomes, of the experience? And if it exceeds what you’ve calculated for, does panic sets in?
If yes, to the above, you’re hitting your “love ceiling.”
And I understand completely. It’s terrifying to feel like you’re losing the control you believe your life depends on.
But recognize this. The notion that, “control is safety,” is just an internal program, and it can be rewritten.
To always have to control each and every moment, person, and situation, is a surefire way to block yourself off from the flow of love and connection you deeply need and crave with others.
Not to mention what personal expansion and freedom, exists on the other side, when we embrace, fully, in our bodies, the experience and energy of love.
Okay, so you’ve made it this far, and have likely identified that you too, have put up bumpers on how much love you can enjoy in your life.
What’s next? How do we begin to break through our limits and expand our capacity to hold and savor more love?
Here are a few of the things that have, personally, helped me, break through my “love ceiling,” and create more fulfilling connection in my relationships.
Awareness
I know. I know. Everyone is talking about awareness. But, it is a critical step in order to resolve old patterns, and transcend them.
You must slow down enough to notice your daily behaviors, and the habits that are repelling the love you say you want.
Before you can open up to more love, you need to recognize that you have a fear of too much of it coming into your life.
Acknowledge how your “love ceiling” is blocking your ability to go deeper in your connections with others.
Internal dialogue makeover
Try on a new way of speaking to yourself! When you’re the recipient of genuinely loving actions and words, from safe people, explore how it feels to whisper to yourself these phrases,
“I receive that, thank you,” in response to praise (you could say this one aloud, as well).
“I’m worthy of limitless love,” (when embracing with someone in a hug).
“I’m open to expanding my capacity to enjoy loving, and being loved.”
“I don’t have to do anything to deserve feeling good.”
“I surrender to the experience of love, in my body.”
Practice softening towards love.
Ride the waves of the good, warm, “I’m loved,” feelings as long as possible. Engage with them. And watch the energy of love grow even bigger, as you focus your attention on it.
Practice in baby steps.
Hold a hug just a few seconds longer. When your mind wanders towards the familiar thought of pulling away as quickly as possible, gently bring it back to the present moment, and focus on the sensations in your body. Take long slow deep breaths.
Simply surrendering to a moment of connection with my partner, slowing my breathing, and seeing no danger befalls me as a result, has helped tremendously in opening me up to experiencing love in greater measure.
Bring others along with you.
Communicate with those you trust about your intention to feel all the love that comes your way, and allow them to hold you accountable.
When you welcome others into your journey of busting through your “love ceiling,” it certainly makes the process more fun.
Create a list of the things that, when you do them for yourself, you feel deeply loved, and prioritize doing at least one of the activities, daily.
Invite your friends to make their own lists, and challenge each other to focus more energy on embracing as many opportunity as possible to feel the flow of love.
Even if you’ve spent your whole life, up until this point, shielding yourself from enjoying “too much” love, that doesn’t have to be your story forever.
Love is meant for you. For those in the back, love is meant for YOU.
You deserve to enjoy every warm embrace, every word of affirmation sent your way, and every ounce of love poured out to you.
You can break through your “love ceiling.”
When you bring awareness to your old stories about how much love you’re worthy of experiencing, or how safe it is to surrender to the feelings of love, they begin to lose their power.
When the previous programs begin to dissolve, you can then begin to soften towards love, and reimagine a new way of speaking with yourself that confirms the truth: you are worthy to receive all the love that comes to you!
Lastly, remember that when it comes to personal development work, while only you can heal you, you’re not meant to journey in isolation.
Bring companions along for the ride, and relish in the joy of getting to watch others expand beyond their “love ceilings,” as well.
Xoxo
-E
