“Does Your Baby Sleep Through the Night?” Questions to Avoid Asking a New Mum & What She’s Dying to Hear Instead.

Since becoming a mom, I’ve noticed babies have an irresistibly, magnetic, quality about them.

Whether out for a walk or perusing the grocery store aisles, it’s nearly impossible to go out, with my boy, unnoticed.

Strangers are wildly curious about new life (which makes babies a wonderful icebreaker).

Often commenting on how much hair the little one has, or if they think he looks big or small for his age, and if they can see any resemblance between mom and child (the equivalent to the remarks about if I was carrying “high” or “low” while pregnant, and if that meant I was having a girl or boy).

Harmless observations, mostly.

“Whew, safe,” I think, when the chatter is left there.

Because, if you’ve just had a baby you know, there’s an entirely other set of questions, considered “normal” to ask a car seat carry momma, that aren’t so benign.

Ones that cause a pulse of panic within me.

If you’ve been a momma of a newborn, chances are HIGH you’ve heard these too.

And if you’ve been the one asking a mom one of the following, no-judgment.

But we can do better.

Below, are some of the most “cringe” worthy questions I’ve heard, as a postpartum woman, and why they’re not helpful.

You’ll also find my suggestions for what could be asked instead, to take your conversation with a new mom, to a more meaningful, supportive place.

#1 “Does he/she cry a lot?”

Why it’s not helpful:

For most moms, we’re striving to give our babies an experience where their needs are met, they’re soothed, and settled as swiftly as possible.

Mothers are wired to respond to their offspring’s cries, readily.

But we’re not perfect. Sometimes we don’t know what they need, and have tried everything we can think of – changing, rocking, feeding, etc.. – to comfort them in distress. 

Asking if one’s little guy cries a lot can feel like an accusation waiting in the wings to be hurled at a mom, rather than a genuine question.

Also, babies go through so many stages, in those early months.

While growing and developing rapidly, fussiness could merely mean they’re coming to a new milestone, not an indication of a personality flaw.

What to say instead:

“What brings the biggest smile to your baby’s face? 

Speaking from experience, mom’s LOVE seeing their little one’s eyes glow with happiness. 

Let’s normalize celebrating the glimmers of light that pour in – the coos and smiles, the smell of baby breath, those tiny hands – amidst the sleeplessness and overwhelm, in the early days of motherhood. 

Heck, you might even get momma to smile too, when you ask this question, and leave the topic of how often her baby cries, out of the conversation. 

#2 “Are you back to work?” 

Why it’s not helpful:

When I get asked this, in the checkout line at my local Whole Foods, I blink back at the cashier, for a second, then glance down at my shopping cart, where my newborn is tucked into his car seat, and think,

“do you know what it took just to get out of the house and to the store with my child, today – change, feed, dress, pack diaper bag, then change again, and finally load everyone up into the car? WORK? This is the most I’ve worked in my life.”

Ask any first-time mom, and she’s likely to express that THIS job – the 24/7 feeding, rocking, holding, tending, soothing of her baby – is the most challenging one she’s ever had. 

Mothering a newborn demands all of you physically, emotionally, and mentally. Often with no breaks.

In our Western culture, where nuclear families are the norm, caring for a newborn can be isolating for moms, who are expected to also, singlehandedly, care for themselves, manage a household, and other family members very quickly after giving birth. 

So let’s delete this question from the societal repertoire of small talk with new moms, please.

What to say instead:

“How does motherhood feel today?”

There’s something deeply refreshing, when a fellow human, genuinely, takes interest in the dynamic inner terrain of another.

When a mom is SEEN, and invited to share a little window into her world.

For me, having a few friends/family who ask, with true curiosity, about my experience day-to-day, with my newborn, helps the vocation (human-nutruing) feel less lonely.

And a word to the momma, on the other end of this question, don’t hold back from sharing.

I know it might be tempting to believe that your baby-tending life is boring. But give the questioner a chance. 

Open your heart, and allow others to catch a glimpse of the glory, and messiness, of being “mom” to your babe.

#3 “Is he a ‘good’ napper?”

Why it’s not helpful:

A baby’s sleep rhythm is exactly how it’s meant to be.

Far too often, we impose our cultural expectations around “good” sleeping, onto our little ones, without realizing it. 

For a while, I felt guilty about telling the truth, regarding my baby’s preferred napping/sleeping situation – on my chest in the baby carrier, or next to me in bed – when asked by family/friends/strangers. 

I wondered, 

“is it ‘bad’ that my baby needs me close, in order to drift off to dreamland?”

Until I discovered that it’s actually developmentally, physically, and biologically, appropriate for mom and baby, to sleep in this manner.

There’s nothing pathological about babies needing to be near their mom, or another loving adult, in order to sleep soundly. 

And therefore, a better question to consider is if we, as adults, are creating the environments where a baby has what they need to feel safe to fall asleep. 

What’s more, are we supporting parents to be able to spend those tender moments with their baby while she sleeps? 

What to say instead:

“How are you adjusting to the sleep changes that come with having a baby?”

See a pattern here?

What moms need most, is for someone to truly care about their new and foreign world, post the birth of their child.

A listening ear, who wants to know what it’s like – the good, hard, and crazy.

On days where I’m exhausted to the point of tears, sometimes nothing can be changed right then, but it can change my inner condition, to know there are caring souls out there looking to understand what I'm going through. 

#4 “Is he a ‘good’ baby?”

Why it’s not helpful:

I’ve been asked this more than once, since giving birth to my son.

It’s as awkward as asking a newly married bride,

“So…is he a ‘good’ husband?”

Yeah no.

After all, who decides what a “good” baby means?

For most new parents, myself included, the pressure to perform well at the task of human-nurturing is already high.

Spare moms the panic of trying to come up with the answer where neither them nor their baby, appear to be failing at the dance of infancy/postpartum by avoiding this question, entirely.

What to say instead:

“Gosh, motherhood has so many ups and downs, I bet? What has been your biggest learning, so far?

I’m at my very best, as a mom, when I’m mindful of the growth that’s occurring in the process of getting to know my child. 

The whole gig of motherhood is a school of personal development, that I’m committed to showing up for, daily.

At times, the lessons feel harder to take in than others. And that’s OKAY.

But when I pay more attention to how the whole experience is shaping and expanding me, rather than if I’m getting it “right,” I’m less anxious overall.

Supporting new moms in a way that leads to greater self-inquiry, deeper reflection, and internal easy is one of the juiciest gifts one could offer.

So let the questions above, guide you, as the onlooker (or as the new mom — you can share these with others, who are seeking to offer their support) in your conversations with the mothers you meet, and hopefully leave them more nourished than when you found them.

XOXO

Erika